LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
 This happened about a month ago just outside
of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country
of Louisiana , and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's real.

 This out of state traveler was on the side of
the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night
in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and
no cars went by.

 It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in
front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and
appearing
 ghostlike in the rain It slowly and silently
crept toward him and stopped.

 Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and
closed the
 door; only then did he realize that there was
nobody behind the wheel,
 and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
 Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was
terrified, too scared
 to think of jumping out and running.

 The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve
and,
still too scared to jump out, he started to pray
and begging for his life; he was sure
the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and
he would surely drown!
 But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at
the driver's window and a hand reached
 in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely
around the
 bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared
through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

 Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear
every time they reached a curve.
Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

 Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice
quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey,
then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

 A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when
they realized the guy was
telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

 About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and
one says to the other,

 "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car
when we wuz pushin it in the rain."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

1.  When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2.  Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the errormessages from here
3.  When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing forusto remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4.  When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what'skeeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't getintoyour mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5.  When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, deleteit at once. We're just testing.
6.  When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in andspill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7.  Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up andflags it as a rush delivery.
8.  When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There'selectronics in it.
9.  When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computersupport. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10.  When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11.  When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12.  When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13.  When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.
14.  When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15.  When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
16.  Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
17.  Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
18.  If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
19.  If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound ofmuffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
20.  When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
21.  When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
22.  Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
23.  When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task,and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24.  When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
25.  When you receive a 50mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
26.  Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
27.  When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
28.  When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
29.  Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
30.  When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
31.  Keep it crashing!

I've done a few of these. It made the trips worthwhile, to me. Okay,
okay. I just did number 13.
The other's I haven't tried will be soon.
I would appreciate other activities you all might think of to keep me
entertained (and not arrested).

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
 Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
 preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most
 women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
 letter from the local Wal-Mart.

 Dear Mrs. Samsel,
 Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
 our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
 of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below
 and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 1.June 15:
 Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
 weren't looking.

 2. July 2:
 Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 3. July 7:
 Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 4. July 19:
 Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in
 Housewares. Get on it right away.'

 5. August 4:
 Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 6. August 14:
 Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 7. August 15:
 Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite
 them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
 department.

 8. August 23:
 When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why
 can't you people just leave me alone?'

 9. September 4:
 Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
 picked his nose.

 10. September 10:
 While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
 antidepressants were.

 11. October 3:My Favorite
 Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission
 Impossible' theme ..

 12. October 6:
 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different
 sizes of funnels.

 13. October 18:
 Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!

 14. October 21:
 When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position
 and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

 And last, but not least...

 15. October 23:
 Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
 loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:


(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour',
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft
know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man
appeared and announced to the villagers that he would
buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys
around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started
to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers
stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for
each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and
they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply
diminished even further and they were ever harder to
catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot
about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply
of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even
see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for
$50! However, since he had to go to the city on some
business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf. While
the man was away the assistant told the villagers: "Look
at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought.
I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man
returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50
each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
However, they never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there
were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock
market works!

Last time when I laugh out loud was the day when my 4 years old then daughter learned what politics is all about. It was the 30th of September, just a day after her birthday. She came and asked me "dad, what is POLITICS?".
I said 'Well dear, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your 2 years old baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little sweet goes off to bed thinking about what I had said.
Later that night, she hears her baby brother crying, so she gets up to check on him.
She finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little Eliza comes to our room and finds her mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, she goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, she peeks in the keyhole and considers its not the best moment to knock. She gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, my sweetheart comes to me, 'Tudor, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
I am saying, 'Good, darling, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
She then replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'