Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
Posted by
Tudor Constantin
11:09 PM
Monday, December 22, 2008
I've done a few of these. It made the trips worthwhile, to me. Okay,
okay. I just did number 13.
The other's I haven't tried will be soon.
I would appreciate other activities you all might think of to keep me
entertained (and not arrested).
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most
women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in
Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite
them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
department.
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
picked his nose.
10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.
11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission
Impossible' theme ..
12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different
sizes of funnels.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!
14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position
and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...
15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
okay. I just did number 13.
The other's I haven't tried will be soon.
I would appreciate other activities you all might think of to keep me
entertained (and not arrested).
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most
women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in
Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite
them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
department.
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
picked his nose.
10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.
11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission
Impossible' theme ..
12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different
sizes of funnels.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!
14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position
and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...
15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
PS: I received this on a mailing list I am subscribed to. I don't know who wrote it originally but is extremely funny and it would be a loss not to share
Posted by
Tudor Constantin
8:32 PM
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