Sunday, October 12, 2008

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour',
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft
know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


Johnny Ong said...

Americans will be singing 'will god save the president'

Unknown said...

Why doesn't she fancy Kansas?

spookyrach said...

Nobody fancies Kansas. Not even Dorothy.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Tell the Queen she's invited to dinner with the new Prez. Bring a bib...

Pauli said...

LOL @ "bring a bib'

Margaret said...

I kind of like the idea of two new nation states - the United States of Canada and Jesusland.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Mr. Bean and Kidney Pie? That's real culture, isn't it? No thanks.

Anonymous said...

If it weren't for the USA in World War II, there would be no England today. HM the Queen must have forgotten in her senility.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

England and Canada are just jealous. They always have been and always will be. Tally-ho!

Anonymous said...

To HM Queen Elizabeth II, "What's under your big ugly hat?"

Anonymous said...

England, England Uber Alles! Heil, the Queen!

Hui2 said...

yes, gone with the "-ize" and add in the "u"s!!! Only people from the x-commonwealth countries (eg. me) would fully appreciate this confusion of growing up with British English but bombarded with Hollywood & Mircosoft's US English!

Mustang Mike said...

My my. Quite the list of things we Americans are doing wrong. Funny thing is, I agree with most of them. But let us not forget these strictly American traits.
1. America has fought wars all over the world. Win or lose, we have never taken any land, only requested land to bury our soldiers. France, Northern Africa, Holland and many other countries still speak their native language. Not German. Or Russian.
2. America is the country that tens of thousands come to each year for a number of reasons. Better life, better future, freedom.
3. Many countries do not have freedom of the press, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and, yes, freedom to own handguns, to mention only a few.
4. Elections. Yes, we continue to have a bunch of loonies run our government. But that is our process. We can complain, march, yell, sue, and make all kinds of noise. But the newly elected person still takes command. We don't kill him, his family and friends to stop him.
My son-in-law is from Romania. He is now a citizen of the U.S. A turncoat? No, a loving father and husband. He still loves his birth country. But he has pledged allegiance to the U.S. I love Miller beer, but also enjoy many foreign brews. Why can't other countries learn that to criticize the bad behavior of America only makes us stronger? England take over America? What do they have, one aircraft carrier and a bunch of old aircraft? We have the United States Marines! God bless America! And God bless Romania!
I do enjoy your blog. Please visit me or write anytime. Sorin would love to hear from you too. Mustang Mike

Noel Santiago said...

Way funny!
Does that mean all dentists in the U.S. must also now cease to operate?

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Enjoyed reading!

Zane Safrit said...

Tha's funny. Thanks.

Unknown said...

Hey what is wrong with Kansas I live in Kansas and don't ever regret one minute of it. We have the cleanest air of just about any place in the Union, we still have miles and miles of still untouched land.

The only problem with Kansas is that it is unbelievably cold, but that is ok with me. I don't plan on leaving here anytime soon.

Anonymous said...

Haha... that was hilarious.

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